| CannonFarms |
| Posted 1/17/2008 1:12:10 PM |
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Active: 08-13-2006
Posts: 3050
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We have had a thread similar to this before but its too long and old to drag up
Post your jokes, riddles, or whatever else that is funny. Because of the younger members it needs to be no worse than pg-13 It does not have to be pet related. |
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| CannonFarms |
| Posted 1/17/2008 1:14:13 PM |
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Active: 08-13-2006
Posts: 3050
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. |
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/17/2008 2:01:55 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
Posts: 94
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Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetary. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to wipe herself with, so she took off her panties, used them to clean herself, and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either: thought, "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other, "We have to be on the lookout, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded, "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read "We will never forget you""
haha thought u guys might like that one ;) |
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| CannonFarms |
| Posted 1/18/2008 1:28:18 PM |
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/18/2008 2:56:36 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
Posts: 94
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this is a funny video about last call at a bar...just watch it lol
Edited by Gbat1stop
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| gbat1stop |
| Posted 1/18/2008 6:54:58 PM |
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Forum Moderator
 
Active: 11-21-2004
Posts: 3679
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Quote hmr40118:
this is a funny video about last call at a bar...just watch it lol
Edited by Gbat1stop
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I wasn't thrilled with the first joke you posted but I allowed it. This video you posted was totally unacceptable on this forum or any other for that matter. What made you think you could get away with such trash on here? |
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/19/2008 1:12:13 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
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SOrry the video wasnt really watched before i posted it..I went into my myspace to get the first joke off a bullitin which i didnt think that was 2 bad..But the video i was planning on watching but never got around to it.I just decided to post which next time ill make sure i watch first..Because after i saw ur post i watched it and i feel awful..I apologize |
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| gbat1stop |
| Posted 1/19/2008 4:18:52 PM |
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Forum Moderator
Active: 11-21-2004
Posts: 3679
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| Quote hmr40118: SOrry the video wasnt really watched before i posted it..I went into my myspace to get the first joke off a bullitin which i didnt think that was 2 bad..But the video i was planning on watching but never... |
I can only hope no one else saw it before I edited it.
Please don't post links you have not checked out first hand, although it may have appeared to be innocent, it was quite the opposite. |
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/19/2008 6:06:52 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
Posts: 94
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Will do..am once again im sorry!!
When i watched it I was like OMG |
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/23/2008 2:51:54 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
Posts: 94
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A Dog's Dictonary & Guide
Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work. This immediatly makes your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered couch or the dry cleaning that was just picked up.
Drool: What you do when your owners have food and you don't.To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps.
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs.
Garbage Can: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity.Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
Thunder: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.
Wastebasket: A Dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you prance around with the contents of that very special bathroom wastepaper basket!
Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe.
Bath: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/23/2008 2:53:16 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
Posts: 94
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The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman, and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a cool one when a good-looking female Belgian Tervuren comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Belgian says, "That's not good enough." The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative." Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone...cheese mine!"
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| pupLOVER0696 |
| Posted 1/23/2008 4:45:25 PM |
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Active: 01-23-2008
Posts: 11
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If you think a Dog cant count
try putting three Dog biscuits in your pocket then giving him only two.
haha-i bet its true! |
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| jcmaddock10 |
| Posted 1/24/2008 8:24:07 PM |
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Active: 07-21-2007
Posts: 43
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Dog Farts
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he s**** on you!"
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/25/2008 12:07:59 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
Posts: 94
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I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying
emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually
just put my car in park."
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| hmr40118 |
| Posted 1/25/2008 3:25:54 PM |
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Active: 01-05-2008
Posts: 94
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain
Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as
a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man
and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having
a crumby day and kneads it.
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| CannonFarms |
| Posted 3/24/2008 6:58:51 AM |
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Active: 08-13-2006
Posts: 3050
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| CannonFarms |
| Posted 3/24/2008 10:55:49 AM |
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Active: 08-13-2006
Posts: 3050
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CURTAIN RODS PRICELESS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some
soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a
jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar
into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up
the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was
bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began
to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and
airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam
cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators
were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time
they had to move out for a few days in the end they even
paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
People stopped coming over to visit. Finally, they had to
borrow a hugh sum of money from the bank to purchase a new
house.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened
politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and
would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in
exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he
agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house
had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers
that very day.
She agreed and within the hour is lawyers delivered the
paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as
they watched the moving company pack everything to take to
their new home.... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took
the curtain rods!!!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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| kathystone |
| Posted 3/25/2008 11:00:03 AM |
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Active: 11-18-2007
Posts: 122
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a Man walks into a bar with his dog.
"Hey! We don't allow dogs in here!,Yells tha bar keeper.
"Ah, but this is a talking dog!", The man responds."Rex, what does sand paper feel like?"
"Rough. Rough" the Dog answers.
"And what is on the outside of a tree?"
"Bark! Bark!"
"Very good! And what is the top of a house called?"
The Dog wags his tail, "Roof!Roof!"
"And who is the best baseball player ever?"
"Ruth! Ruth!"
" Enough! " the barkeeper screams. and the man and the Dog are toosed out of the bar. The Dog looks puzzled and turns to the man. "Maybe I should have said Sammy Sousa?" |
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| littlemissmom_23 |
| Posted 3/25/2008 7:58:11 PM |
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Active: 02-11-2008
Posts: 176
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Dear dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up in a ball.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
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| MillersMom |
| Posted 3/25/2008 8:10:25 PM |
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Active: 03-24-2008
Posts: 3
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OMG! That is hilarious and so true!! Thanks for the laugh! |
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